We Exchanged Words.

I couldn’t agree with you more Alice!

(Source: alicehoperussell)

Just when you think,

There’s nothing left to feel.

Your hearts worn out,

Love shouldn’t be real.

She keeps your stare,

When her head is down.

You’re in her way,

You go round.

The creature inside,

Begins to wake.

You feel the flutter,

But make no mistake.

It’s ok to let yourself,

Feel the way you do.

You never know,

She might feel that way too.

One butterfly could be the start,

Of more to come.

Don’t decide too fast,

Just decide before they’re gone.

I wrote this in 2008. Heart broken by a boy who was much smarter than I liked, then I fell in love with a girl whose heart belonged to someone else. 

I miss these people and the moments that remind me how good it feels to of survived this long. Makes it easier to close in on the end, know they’re happy without you. If I leave, it’ll make no difference. 

Time bears away all things, even our minds.

Why is it too much to ask that I die?

Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there; I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sun on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning’s hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circling flight.
I am the soft starlight at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there; I did not die

I don’t think I’ve cried so much watching a TV program in my life. I have to high five the people who created this program. And thank them for opening my eyes. Life can be great, if that is what you make of it.

I don’t know what the average life expectancy is but I know that it takes a lot to get to the end. I’m 21 and I’ve had 6 jobs already, on my 7th. I’ve lived in over ten different houses and attended more than my fair share of Primary Schools. My parents have moved out of Manchester and my mother has passed a college course in her mature years. My dad went from an Undertaker to working for the MoD! 

Many people still alive today, saw through the war. They saw life before and life after. My grandparents….70 years old!!!! They’ve lived to have children and see their children’s children, their grandchildren’s children! That’s a lot of lives to see within your own.

So the next person who tells me that ‘life is too short’…go fuck yourself. Tell me how long that takes.

I’ve lost my friends and my family. I don’t know who or what I want to be. I’ve lost memories and I’ve gained nightmares. I want to be with people but always just want to go home. I’m a walking contradiction and if it was to just all end now, I wouldn’t give a shit. I wouldn’t mind, but I’m not even in a bad mood.

Yeh I made one. Yet another blogging tool I’m going to abandon for a few months at a time.

It’s a frightening and overwhelming feeling knowing that you are one of billions of people on one of billions of planets. We have control of one body and life, taking responsibility for others in the process. Being the responsibility of other people. I think being on my periods throws me into a pit of Philosophy and panic attacks. I don’t want to be in control of this body, this life. It’s not like I was sent into the world with a guidebook and life toolbox. If I was, I’d kindly like to ask for an extra box of painkillers and pro plus. 

If sleep didn’t exist, it would mean that we didn’t need it. 24 hours of each day to do what ever it is we go about doing and everything else we feel like. No weariness or fatigue. Food would be a pleasure, not an addition to the fat sack that attaches itself between our skin and bones. Exercise would be for peace of mind and everything else just for fun. Of course sex would still result in children, but there would be no such thing as an STD. Condoms and contraception would be used only to postpone the event of parenthood. People wouldn’t understand the word monogamy if they saw or heard it, because the opposite simply wouldn’t exist.

100 years of life would be the cut off point, any deaths before that age would be due to people simply not being happy enough, or other terminal illnesses. We would still work for our money, houses and cars, though there would be no pollution or VAT increases. Crime would of course still exist, but not as much, only in the minds of unlucky ones and they would be dealt with promptly. How? I have no idea; I’m having a moment, not producing a plan. Public travel would be free, as would flights, education and all health care. You were born in the country your parents reside, sucks to be you if you want to move to another, it’s simply not allowed, but then again in this world, there would be no desire to. 

Holidays would be for fun and the excitement of experiencing a new culture. Nobody should be starved of this, but there would be a system of allocations for each person/family on the amount of times they can leave the country in one year. It’s only fair, not everyone deserves as much time off as others. Of course for actors and actresses or other professions that require the time away from their homeland, there would be a lot more flexibility with this. Life would be based on luck. The family you’re born into and where, the looks and personality you are born with. There would be no desire to change and it just wouldn’t matter to anyone else.

If you were to meet someone of a different nationality, fall in love and wish to move in together, the place of residence would be wherever the wealthier of the two came from. If you were a single person, the allowance of 1 spare room would apply and so on as the numbers of people in a household rise. Parents would have to move out when their children do, freeing up the home for another family to make the most of growing up. Everything and everyone would just be so easy going. If you were to become severely depressed to the point where nothing can cheer you up, well the only disease known to man has caught you out. Euthanasia would be the only answer and it would be as peaceful and as painless as if you had finished your 100th year of life.

Kirsty Rennie.

This is what my brain looks like.